Realization...

Recently I am hook with love radio 90.7 here in manila. The segment of papa jack is giving me ideas how to let go of this nakakawendang na emotion.Honestly yong words niya tagos sa puso eh, as far as i know his a professor in UP thats why he got the wits and guts and experience to say all those things. One line strike me to death which made me cry. " Letting go of one person does not mean you lost everything but "maybe" just "maybe" it's a way of finding the better life for you". I find it so good and it made me cry, tama naman cguro siya, we are losers in a way, but we win on the other side. Life is a choice nga daw eka nga. I realized that he is right. Look at me, I let go of the person I used to love more than who I am (which i think mas okey naman to let go) and I gain more than I what I want. Mahirap na kung sa mahirap ang mag moved on, but when things get's better you'll realized nah yong taong nagpa iyak sayo siya ang taong naging dahilan kung bakit mas matatag ka at lumalaban pa. I still cry sometimes but more often I smile and feel thankful nah he made me stronger and he used to brighten my day in sometime of my life. i just need to accept that I was happy when I am with him, though andun pa rin yong "baka one day thing", baka one day eh will be back again. But according kay papa jack normal lang daw yon eventually I'll get tired of holding to "one day" and "what if". Cguro mas okey ako ngayon unlike 3-4 months ago, natutuwa na ako sa improvement ko ngayon maybe I really learn from all the experiences na meron ako. Sana tuloy2x nah ito. Go go go lang daw... :)

Wish list for lifetime

Honestly hindi ako mahilig sa ganito but I want to check kung magagawa ko toh...:)

1. Laptop - lapit na daw toh my sister will send one for me next month

2. moved on- naa nako anih... hehehehehehe

3. blackberry phone- next month na din toh sis will send one for me as bday gift

-wala pa napadala

4. moved on- i think I alread moved on...

5. small business-

-gladwin naka start naku :) 3 months running nah siya :)

6.moved on- i think I alread moved on...

7. new scooter - I really love the scooter sa market2x sana mabili ko yon one day

-hmmmmppp wala pa nih dah

8.moved on- i think I alread moved on...

9. flat screen tv- I really love the flat screen tv na nakita ko sa market I wish I could have one

-wala pa nih

10.moved on- i think I alread moved on...

11. new wardrobe- nagsisimula nah ako... :)

12.moved on- ASAP

13. new glasses- malabo na kasi yong isang glasses ko -

-new lens lang muna sa ngayon. :)

14. travel overseas- sana wish ko talaga toh

15. new guitar- meron na ako nakita but still crush ko palang cya hindi pa cya akin..:)

-hala wala pako kapalit

16. new art materials - so that i could go back sa pag gawa nang mga art2x ko...

-wala pasad nih

17. car - tagala na toh pero wala pa rin long term ko kasi toh

-hheheeh planning after a year guro

18. disney HK- sana naman this year

-sana matuloy

19. Travel out of town with close friends- sana while we are single pa lahat

20. new me - pwede ASAP :)

-done hahahahaha

21. new bf (lols) - hindi ko nagmamadali promise

-miel is here now

22. my own home- sana makabili na ako but bibili nah ako pag nagawa ko nah lahat yong nasa lower numbers. Mas importante yong naka caps huh (check number 21)... hahahahaa

- miel and I is planning for this

23. big time business- oppppsss walang masama sa mangarap

-on day

24. livestock investment- Tagal na rin toh. Pero May oras pa ako.

-

25. bakery- iwan gusto ko lang meron ako nito (mahilig kasing kumain)

26. videoke house business

27. internet cafe

28. Sony camera, yong for beginners muna nang mga photographers...

Hahahahahha wish ko toh.. I will check this blog often para ma check ko kung may imporovement bah... :)

I am happy but ?

Recently I am very much happy. On my second pay day I already bought stuff for my new house which sana maging home ko nah. :) Jill together with Cid is contented of what we had right now. I am also happy attending the June World Peace Gongyo in PCC (saya!) and aside from that my Butsodan is complete nah (as in super duper happy). Complete as in with bell, burner, cup, and my Butsodan. My faith brings me where I am right now and I know it's all worth the money naman nah igagastos ko mahal na mahal ko kasi ang Gohonzon ko. :)...

Recently I am enjoying my busy days here sa work ko. Medyo nakukuha ko nah ang mga pinagsasabi nang mga kasamahan ko which noong una as in super nga2x ako. And I don't think of him often not like before, but I admit he still runs through my mind pero saglit nalang..:) But bakit ganun? Every time I talk to Gohonzon that I will let go of everything lumalabas siya sa panaginip ko. Isip ko bah ang hindi bumibitaw or puso ko ang siyang ayaw? hindi ko kasi ma getch eh, 3 times ko na tong nararanasan. Every time nalang nah sasabihin ko nah I will go on with my life and maybe someone better is more deserving than him, he pops-up on my dreams. Yong una panaginip ko is that he told me he loves me with all his heart and na pressure lang siya sa situation. Sh*t that made me run back to him ( in my dream of course). 2nd time nakipag usap siya sa akin and he told me sorry for everything and he told me that he can't let go of me ( siya bah or ako yong di maka let go?*confused*). 3rd time kahapon lang, while I am so tired galing sa work ko. I told myself na magsisimula ako ulit coz I realized ilang araw nang hindi ko siya naiisip (maybe my work help me to outgrow that scenario), but eventually when I go to sleep siya na naman napanaginipan ko, and the worst is he ask me to marry him and he told me that willing na siyang iwanan lahat nang kung ano man meron siya, and the feeling is sh*t damn it!. I can't get it! andun na yong eagerness eh pero bat ganun? Even in my dreams he bothers me. Masakit na masyado kaya gusto ko lang bitawan. Why is it everything comes back when my heart is ready to move forward? Minamadali ko lang bah ang lahat? Masakit and matagal na rin masyado para mag dwell ako sa past. I just want to start life again like the usual set-up when I am heartbroken. Yong gusto ko mahalin ko nah ulit yong buhay na meron ako. mahal ko naman eh, pero alam kong kulang and I admit he still occupy that space, and I want to take that space back... I am making things more simpler nah this time, I even admit that I have my flaws and I can't change it. I admit that he is happy and I want him to be happy (even I know masakit), I even told myself that everything has its own purpose. I even thank him for everything he have done into my life. I know, I forgive him of everything ( He made me stronger) and my faith taught me how to manage a strong and positive heart kaya nakaya ko. Pero bat ganun? Hindi ko lang kasi ma getch minsan eh, is this what a hanging relationship is? You will spend lifetime just to balance everything. Wala na ako sa buhay niya and tanggap ko yon, but why is it he appears on the uncontrollable situations like dreams. Nga pala, the time nah I decided to come here in manila I make sure nah wala akong nadala nah makakapag papaalala sa akin sa kung anong meron kami (i thought lahat iniwan ko sa box sa CDO) but after 4 months here in manila I realized that sa wallet ko may picture pa kaming dalawa na naiwan (favorite pic namin yong dalawa). Alam ko iniwan ko yon, but when I check my wallet andun pa and I realized kasama ko yong pic na yon sa lahat nang hardship ko here sa manila, and again I can't get it! I don't want to think of it but it bothers me. Bakit ang hirap hirap?? or AKO LANG BAH TALAGA YONG MAHIRAP makaintindi? I am handling the situation more mature right now but iwan, hindi ko alam kung ano pang pwede kung gawin. haaaaaaaaayyyyyy... iwan talaga in as in IWAAAN!!!